It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
