dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
