I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
