So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
