Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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