it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
