I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
