rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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