I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
