My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
