that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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