I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
