wrigley field is MILF paradise
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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