You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
