I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
