My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The best revenge is premature balding
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
