you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
