Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
