Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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