I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
