i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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