he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
