So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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