some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Of course I have a pirate flag
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
