If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
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i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
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We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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