you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
