So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
