Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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