u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
