I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
