Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
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