I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
