You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
