it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
