yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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