Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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