I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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