Me. At least after what I've been through.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
