Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.