one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
