I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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