i only shaved half my leg
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
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this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
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My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here