I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.