My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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