I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
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My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize