I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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