Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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