He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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