we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
