So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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