Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
