its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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