I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
