Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
