This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
