You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
