What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Randomize
