I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
