you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My liver just had a heart attack.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
