Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
