i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
where are my eyebrows?
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