Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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