Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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