Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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