vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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