So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
