My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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