You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
