Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
