We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
