he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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